Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Wednesday, November 04, 2009
When I was in my home country. I did not quite get quiescece of activities in my office. Almost everyday had been bursting with activities – the phone ringing endlessly, the guests coming every hour and the printers working overtime – I would think I am working in a New York stock market.
The thing had changed since I moved to work in Zen-style, way of life, country. Everyday like today when it is so quiet that you can hear a pin drop from a far distance. And it is on days like today – so quiet – that I am overwhelmed with the feeling of loneliness. I am in doubt whether it is caused by a nature of East world or a kind of job where everyone has a separated work and need no communication.
Although I have a bunch of work to finish, I have no concentration to work on them since all of then need idea and inspiration. I inevitably turn to a useless-for-work activity – blog-hopping. I find myself in awe with a blog of Tale of Psychological Damage. The author wrote that “you are lonely because you are too focused on your loneliness.” I was dumb struck. That seems to be true! Do I feel lonely right now because I am too focused on the loneliness?
A long for those days, I was so busy. I could hardly answer personal phone calls while I spent whole of my concentration on doing work. And so lunch time was a break that I looked forward to after a friendly banter with friends as what we should eat or discussing humorous topics. Nowadays, I occasionally have boring lunch with colleagues. Sometimes I don’t even bother with lunch at all. How pathetic can that be! I could not be entertained by the topics or give a funny talk as I used to do. My motivation of learning new language had also disappeared. No one except me that should be blamed since my poor skill. I hardly understand what they said. Sometimes, I could not catch even the mentioned words that I would take them for searching the meaning later after lunch as I used to do. Speed, intonation, accent, expression or whatever the cause is, it reduces my self-esteem and makes me feel apart from a group day by day. Uncomfortable situation while you are sitting in a world that you do not hear anything and have to guess all the time consumes a large energy more than expecting.
Forget about those things and switch back to my loneliness. I found out the quote, “Loneliness, lonesome and solitude is a state of mind. Dwell in it if you dare, the abyss of depression would come uninvited. Depression another humongous reserve of unexplained behaviors known to man would slowly rear its ugly head if we stay there too long.”
Theoretically, loneliness is a state of mind. Just like smoking, you intend to quit depends on your state of mind. Can you dictate your state of mind then? I will try although I finally end up with I cannot. At least, I will let not this loneliness lead to depression again. I will make peace with it. The same way I make peace with things I can’t change.
Enjoy the day folks.